Beverly Hills, 90210 reunites a bunch of turds who spend all their time together anyway, plus Andrea.

It’s been five years since the gang graduated from West Beverly High, and since someone at the network presumably had the sense to predict that this crew wasn’t going to make it to their ten-year reunion, we’re made to suffer through their stupid, pointless five-year reunion. No, that doesn’t mean we get appearances from Brenda, Dylan, or DeadScott’s restless ghost; only Gabrielle Carteris had nothing better to do, so Andrea returns to let us all know she’s desperately unhappy and that her marriage is on the verge of collapse. Brandon — currently dating a woman who’s already dumped him twice — decides he’s an expert on relationships (as well as everything else), and that it should therefore fall to him to bray her into making things work with Jesse. Among the many West Beverly alumni we’ve never seen before is Ross Webber, Kelly’s rapist — someone she identifies to Val but not to her “partner,” Brandon. Donna accepts that Noah doesn’t want to be her date right up until the moment he gets profiled in a magazine piece about hot young L.A. business owners that describes him as single, whereupon she proceeds to make a federal case about his commitment to her. David bristles at Val’s suggestion that they go to the reunion and lie their faces off about how great their lives are, particularly since their entire social circle will also be there and know the truth, but stupidly acquiesces. And Janet finagles an invitation for herself to go as Steve’s date — which he, of course, pretty much immediately makes her regret. We’re sharing the superlative Most Likely To Barf in our podcast on “Reunion”!